This is Julie Collins back with our second interview with Dook, the representative of the Yeti, or as they say, the Angwin.
Collins: What has happened since I last talked to you? I know that you wanted to get agreement on an Angwin homeland.
Dook: There have been bumps along the way, but we never thought that it would be easy. We share with humans the idea that we should hope for the best, expect the worst. We’ve made little obvious progress towards our goal, and there have been threats against us, mostly against me. We know that we will prevail however.
Collins: Are you doing something to protect yourself and your people?
Dook: Yes, but I’ll get to that later.
Collins: You are not physically imposing. Do you have heavy weapons at your disposal?
Dook: I’d rather not say. We don’t want to give our enemies too much information.
Collins: Can you give us the specifics of various nations’ response to your proposal?
Dook: I mentioned one of our retrogrades in the first interview. He is now the president of a powerful country. His response was highly negative:
“I’ve cast my lot with the humans and renounce the sad yeti people. You are small in all ways. It would be against our interest to grant you any sovereignty. With the rapid climate change, there may come a time when iron, coal and even gold may be mined where you live. I want the opportunity to extract whatever lies under your land. If that means that you must move, we can just set you up in North Dakota. It ought to look like home to you and I could use more workers on the pipeline.”
That was the formal response, which had more than 140 characters. Shortly thereafter, we received a tweet.
“I might reconsider if you would introduce me to some of the yeti women.”
Collins: How about your neighbors?
Dook: That was not a surprise at all. Most if not all of the countries in our region are concerned about giving up a square centimeter of land, regardless of its value. India, Pakistan, China, Nepal all have been arguing over the extent of their territory. Each turned us down flat. The Tibet representative said that he would be glad to negotiate after Tibet got home rule, which isn’t likely to happen unless the China government changes.
Collins: And other countries?
Dook: Most of them are in favor of our home rule, which is easy to understand. I can’t imagine that what happens here would affect Uruguay at all, so they get to play the good guys at no cost.
Collins: So, does all of this that mean that you give up?
Dook: Not at all. I mentioned the retrogrades in our last interview. They are Angwin mutants with brains like Angwin, bodies like humans. It is odd that those who have seen me on TV are perfectly willing to accept the existence of normal Angwin, but not our retrogrades. Those who oppose us seem to have forgotten that the retrogrades with their superior intelligence and human looks can support our cause without being detected.
The water supply in several major cities in countries that oppose us have experienced a barely detectable sweetness in their water supply – Beijing, Mumbai and Chicago to name a few. The little bit of sugar in the water caused no harm, but what if our retrogrades had put something else in the water? The rulers in the countries that are against us should think about the possibilities. We have no interest in causing harm, but we insist on what is owed to us.
We will get our homeland. Those that signed on early will receive the benefit of our agricultural and medical secrets which will greatly aide their societies. Those that acquiesce later lose.
Collins: I’m pleased to hear of your future success. What else has been happening?
Dook: There are organizations that want to attack our territory on either speciest or aggressive grounds. It shouldn’t be necessary to repeat that they cannot depend on any of their members not to be double agents. Additionally, our homes are nigh impregnable, and we have efficient weapons. Suffice to say – save yourself a lot of blood and forget it. Further, anyone attempting to make good on threats on my life is as good as dead.
A very sad note is the interest in displaying one of us as the “Hottentot Venus” that was done a century ago. If you don’t know about that shameful spectacle, I suggest that you look it up. To be clear, we do not take part in any degrading demonstration for any amount of money.
Collins: You mention “speciest”. What do you consider yourselves?
Dook: We are “homo angwin”. Same questionable genus name, but different species.
Collins: You’ve revealed some very dangerous schemes. Is there any good news?
Dook: Since our interview, I’ve been in touch with Doug Hawley who has the famous sasquatch photo. He has convinced me that it is legitimate.
Collins: Anything else?
Dook: I have some very good news. While we have no interest in exploitation, I have a great singing voice in both pure Angwin and Western styles. My versions of ’60 songs like “Roll With It” and “Sledgehammer” put the originals to shame. My agent can be reached at 503-555-1234 in Lake Oswego, Oregon.
Collins: Despite the power of this interview, I fear that we must quit for now. No time for closing statements or questions from the audience. I hope that everyone comes back for our next interview when we can talk about the Angwin homeland. This will be rebroadcast and dvds are available.
The author is a little old man, oh that’s enough – there’s more in the website.