The Santa Fe Delay at Gate B8 | by Matt Gillick

Post-Christmas (Kwaanza, Day Three, 2017)

Already delayed three hours. The air siren of the airport radio blares. You’d think that because you can use your smartphone as a ticket, they’d get a better sound system to better understand the gate agent, Phurph phruphy bahhbahh bauh cruaw cruaw.

Folks, we have misplaced the cockpit and will be training one of our flight attendants to fly the plane with bicycle handles and big wheel pedals recovered from our lost baggage warehouse. We’ll start boarding at the start of the Neolithic period and touch ground in Atlanta at 28 o’clock. Thank you for your patience.

We’ll also be providing you with complimentary peanut butter spoons along with a showing of Mickey Rooney’s scenes as Mr. Yunioshi from Breakfast at Tiffany’s on loop, for three hours. Again, we appreciate you choosing Delta.

Passengers and hostages alike, may I have your attention. We appreciate your patience as our crew prepares their final ritual to the sky gods on the runway, ensuring safe travel. Because we had to replace our magic metal sky-tube’s brakes, our baggage personnel have urinated on a luggage item to ward off evil spirits. Should the event of turbulence occur, one of you in the emergency row will be chosen for a mid-flight sacrifice. Please let one of our staff know if you do not feel comfortable performing these tasks.

We’re just starting to board Zone 2, ladies and gentlemen. Please be aware that we have a limited number of cashews and will require a battle royale in first class with your choice of sporks or our snack carts as battering rams. The same applies if you desire trail mix and pretzel sticks.

Again, we hope you enjoy your flight to Atlanta or wherever your final destination. We wish you a safe and pleasant journey until takeoff. As always, thank you for flying with Delta.



Gillick is from Virginia. 

Twitter: @matty_gill